my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
