Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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