When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
