i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
