what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
