my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
