i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
