I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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