the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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