at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
