You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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