I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
