I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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