My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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