Your face is a jimmy john
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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