I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
