I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Come on in and take your pants off
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