glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
