Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
