You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
