The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize