According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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