Non-Jews are for practice
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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