I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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