my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
