in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
