you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
