She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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