No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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