My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
