how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
