I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
