You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
