and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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