everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
