i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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