May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
