She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
