if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My dick has a subreddit
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
