well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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