Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Lo siento on account of my penis...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I had to cum in my sink.
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