Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
