My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My day in three words: secret purse cake
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
