yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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