Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Girls should come with a carfax report
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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