I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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