I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
