***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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