She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
