There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
