she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
