my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
