I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize