Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
